WNRI Matchmaker Advises "Realistic Expectations"

Here's some unwelcome news for any woman looking for a tall man: The average height of American males is just five feet, nine inches. Fewer than five percent top six feet.

The odds are equally dismal for gals who look for a gold card or an investment portfolio: Millionaires account for less than nine percent of country's population, and only two percent of those are single men.

The sobering statistics come courtesy of John Holt, known to folks in Woonsocket as radio matchmaker. He takes to the airwaves every Thursday from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m., exhorting singles to persevere in their quest for soul mates. His encouragement, however, comes with a caveat: You can find that special someone, just don't expect a perfect someone.

"There are women who set a goal of only dating tall guys or rich guys, but they don't realize how few of them there are," the no-nonsense Cupid says. "And it seems all men want to date slender beauty queens." Only five percent do.

"Look for someone who wants to be with you, not someone who's going to reject you because you have unrealistic expectations. If you're looking to date people who aren't into you and never will be, you're destined for failure."

That's blunt talk, but Holt has the experience to back it up. The Pascoag resident has run a full-time matchmaking business, Tri-State Dating Service, for the past 19 years, and has helped hundreds of people find romance and relationships.

"I've branded myself 'the realistic matchmaker,' and I did that because I've found many single people have expectations that are in the clouds," says Holt, age 52. "You could spend years looking for your ideal mate and never find him or her . . . Getting someone to change their expectations is not always easy, and it's not the most pleasant side of my business, but I'm doing it to help. I can eliminate years of frustration from your life by helping you know who you are, who you can be and who you can be with."

There's no certification process for matchmakers, but Holt has a resume that boosts his credibility. He earned a bachelor's degree in human services at Bridgewater State College, with a minor in psychology. After college he worked for non-profits in the human services field, before deciding he needed a profession that could provide a healthier income. He also met the woman who is now his wife through a dating service.

He got his start by advertising his introductions business in give-away magazines with names like "The Dating Page" and "Here's To You." In a short time, he had 50 clients. Today he has more than 1,100, and boasts his marriage rate tops 20 percent.

"An article I found in Entrepreneur Magazine shows a 94 percent rate for failure in the first year for dating service businesses," he says. "I've been around for almost two decades. I think that says something about my success."

He describes his price list as "reasonable." For $275 -- the least expensive option -- Holt will arrange three dinner parties involving three or four women and three or four men, with all participants screened for compatibility. And $390 buys eight one-to-one introductions. His most expensive service -- costing $800 -- is a personal search for Mr. or Ms. Right. Holt goes so far as to attend conferences and other events for professionals, where he chit chats with attendees and then presents a select few with his card. "I don't ask them to be a client," he says. "I just tell them, I know someone you might want to meet."

With Valentine's Day upon us, Holt offered some free tips for plotting a dating game plan. A few of his favorite strategies:

• The four-date rule. Go on four dates with someone, and then decide if they're right for you. "Many smart women use this strategy," he says. "And they usually end up with someone a lot faster than the woman who gives up on a man after meeting him for an hour. It gives the guy a chance."
•  90 days of fun. "This is one of my favorites," Holt says. "And my own invention. Spend three months with someone, and limit yourselves to fun dates. Don't try to get serious until after the deadline. That way you're invested in someone before you start talking about all the serious stuff."
• 50 dates in 100 days. "Just what it sounds like," he says. "Go on 50 dates with different people in that time period. With those numbers, you should be able to find someone with whom you can have a meaningful relationship."

Matchmaking is a calling that's been around as long as love and romance. At one time many in the field limited their clients to a single social class, religion, or ethnic background, but today that's far less common. Holt's business has never operated that way.

One area most in the profession still avoid is same-sex matchmaking. That's because of logistics, not prejudice. To expand in that direction, a service with 1,000 clients would have to enroll equal numbers of men seeking men and women seeking women, jumping to 3,000 clients, a daunting task indeed.

Holt describes his personal service as a sensible alternative to the online dating trend that's currently in vogue.

"At one point in my career I looked into expanding my business to the internet, but the more I looked into it, the more doubts I had," he says. "When you sign up with an online service, you're really just renting a portal where you put up your picture and your information. There's no effort to match you with someone. And it's actually unsafe. You'll meet people you don't want to meet, people who lie and steal, married people looking to cheat. My business is safe. I screen clients, and I look for someone who's right for you. A computer can't do that."

A quick survey involving a handful of Woonsocket residents found most saying they'd likely never seek a matchmaker‘s help.

"That would mean I'd failed," said Megan Menard, a waitress at Paul's Family Restaurant. "It's a job I should be able to do myself."

"I've already been married -- and divorced," groused a customer, a plumber who declined to give his name. "I don't need all that trouble again."

Those remarks don't reflect Holt's success in the city. Since his first broadcast on WNRI three years ago, the number of Woonsocket residents on his client list has soared. And he has good news for men who are considering a service, especially those with white-collar careers: Males are now in demand.

"Professional women are more likely to see a matchmaker than any other group, and that's because they're more selective," Hot says. "The more successful the woman, the fewer men there are at the same level of success.

"And these days it may be harder for all women to find someone. In the past men were the pursuers, but with today's economy, many of them have lost confidence. And women have become pickier, so men have responded by becoming more passive. That doesn't mean they've given up dating, but they're waiting for women to send some obvious signals that they're interested. That's why I advise women to call men. If they wait for guys to call, they may not get any dates."

He has some pointed advice for the guys as well. "Stop expecting sex after three or four dates," he says. "Most women don't think that way. They want to feel some connection before physical intimacy."

The straight-forward talk doesn't stop there. "I often coach clients on dating etiquette," he says. "Many men these days need a refresher course. One thing many seem to have forgotten is that women want attention. They'll get a referral from me, and they'll wait weeks to make the call. They don't realize that women expect that call within 48 hours."

That's how the game goes. Some heed those words or wisdom; others may as well be deaf. In the mean time, Holt does his best, re-enforcing the message for northern Rhode Island singles with his weekly radio broadcasts.

Sitting before a WNRI microphone on a recent Thursday night, he once again indulges his penchant for studies and statistics. "A recent study conducted at James Madison University has confirmed that when it comes to dating, men are more likely to be in it for no-commitment fun," he says. "And ladies, I'm not going to leave you out. Women tend to be in it for a committed relationship. So what does that mean? . . . How do we get these men to become committed?”

To drive home his point he pushes a button, and music begins to play. It's a hit from the '70s, the Golden Age of Saturday Nights, when a tidal wave of young baby boomers hit the dating scene. "So come on, Bill," croons a singer from that era long ago. "Come on and marry me, Bill . . . I love you so, I always will . . . "